Yesterday was my very “first” Mother’s Day. I spent the day with my little family, cuddling my baby, and eating pancakes. I saw the posts, the messages, and the sweet photos which just filled my heart with so much joy. One thing that stuck out to me is how many women acknowledged the number of mothers who were still waiting for their own “first” Mother’s Day. It’s refreshing. I’m sure these posts and sentiments existed while I myself was waiting, but in those times it’s hard to see through your pain and past the happiness dancing in front of your eyes. But know you’re not alone. We are rooting for you.
So for you mamas who are still waiting for your Mother’s Day, I pray you see past the pretty pictures and you see hope.
Over the last couple of years of desperately wanting to be a mother and that dream eventually coming true, it made me think of how utterly painful it all can be. I’m not even sure if “painful” is the right word. I feel like there may be a better word outside the English language to describe it. Pain implies something negative, but this type of pain is also somehow a good thing.
“Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did – that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that – a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.” – Debra Ginsberg
As Mother’s Day approached I began to see this quote floating across the internet. And honestly it struck a huge cord. Maybe it’s obvious to others, but this is the first I’ve really ever heard anyone else describe parenthood in the exact way I feel. It’s a little bit of a relief because I’ve felt crazy at times saying out loud “it physically pains me how much I love her and miss her even when she’s right there in front of me.”
This has caught me by surprise many times. I consider myself to be a pretty tough and independent person. I like getting out and interacting with people. I’m not flaky, I have a hard time saying no, and I HATE canceling plans. But I suppose motherhood has a way of reshaping who we are. There has already been a few times I have canceled plans last minute because I physically haven’t been able to get myself to leave her. Even in Nate’s very capable care.
Seriously, it’s hard for me to admit that. But here I am with my heart beating outside my chest day after day, and yet I couldn’t be happier. So thank you to this little girl who has officially made me a mom. I promise I’ll try to get better at being apart from you, so I don’t end up accompanying you to college… I’ll try.
